Barbie.
Perhaps she is the quintessence of what all little girls dream to be. This can currently be seen as a sad statement, bound to incite all women who rally against this stereotypical standard of “All American” beauty. However at age five, I idolized Barbie with impunity. After all, she who had the most Barbie toys won, or so it seemed at St. Timothy’s Lutheran Kindergarten. Yet, my aim was not to be the champion of all things Barbie since Legos provided more long-term play satisfaction. No, I wanted to LOOK like her.
I would play a game with God. I’d take a chair into the bathroom so I could stand up and reach the mirror. I’d close my eyes and pray with a fervor unknown to most zealots for a MIRACLE. After all, Mrs. Kipp told all of her kindergartners that miracles only happened to good people and I was good . . . uh. . . mostly good. And for some reason, I thought that the faster you prayed, the quicker the miracle would occur so my mental prayer would sound something like:
“Deargodthisisglitzyhereandi’vereallytriedtobegoodthisweekandi’veonlymademamimad
oncethisweeksowon’tyoupleasepleasepleasechangethesethreelittlethingsandthankyouvery
muchamen.”
I wanted creamy pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair . . . and when I opened my eyes, the mirror sadly reflected back those same brown eyes, that same black hair and the same bronze skin time and time again.
Mami had Barbie’s creamy skin, but had dark hair and dark eyes like me. Sunday mornings when we’d get ready for church, she would pull out a container full of loose powder and apply it to her face. At the time, I didn’t understand the need for this ritual. She was obviously the same shade as the powder, so she didn’t look any different after applying it. This was clearly another one of those things that I would have automatic understanding of when I reached that magical stage of “being older.” But for now, I was in kindergarten and the only thing that was unfathomable to me there was why Heidi, my best friend at the time, could swing so much higher than me. After all, I was taller.
It was almost Christmas. At school, Mrs. Kipp was showing us how to make construction paper Christmas trees, decked in glitter and marker. We were also making lists of what we wanted in order to mail them to Santa Claus. That was it!!! Santa! After all, couldn’t I ask for what I wanted for Christmas? Imagine my family’s surprise on Christmas morning when I showed up in the living room with blonde ringlets hanging down my shoulders instead of my black ones! To see the world with blue eyes . . . would that be so much different than with my brown ones?
After I finished decorating my tree, I started on my list. Of course I wanted more Lego-land stuff. There was no such thing as too many Legos. I drew some Lego blocks and wrote the word, ‘Legos’ next to my picture. And, of course I wanted more Barbie clothes, Barbie’s horse and Western Barbie. If you pressed her back, she blinked. I drew a makeshift horse ridden by a stick figure Barbie, some extra clothes and wrote this next to my pictures : ‘Barbie, Barbie Horse and clothes for Barbie and p.s. you know what.’ Mrs. Kipp was doing her rounds as we worked on our trees and lists. When she got to mine she told me she liked my picture and tried to get more information on my mysterious post-script. I just smiled.
“Is that a big secret?” she asked me
“No. I just don’t want to mess anything up. He knows what I want!” She patted my back before she moved onto the next table.
In retrospect, Mrs. Kipp probably thought I was one of her silliest little kids. Later on that day we were very rambunctious. She told us all to zip our lips and lock them with a key. Since I was the last one in line to go out for recess, I walked over to her desk and handed her my imaginary key. She looked confused.
“What is this?”
I looked up at her and thought to myself, “I can’t say anything. I’ve just locked my mouth up! If I’m not good, Santa won’t bring me my presents.” I unlocked a corner of my mouth and unzipped it a little.
“The key,” I said out of the corner of my mouth. I promptly zipped my mouth back up and locked it. After I gave her the key, I scampered off to join the rest of my class.
On Christmas Eve I was excited. I didn’t fall asleep after Mass like I did the year before. I knew that I had to get to sleep somehow because if not, Santa couldn’t give me my post-script. Wait a minute! What if Santa couldn’t grant wishes? I sat up in bed, very distressed by the idea. Well, there was only one way to find out. I lay back down and eventually, sleep came.
When I woke up that Christmas, I jumped out of bed and looked at myself in my mirror. Nothing. Nothing had changed. Though I was a little sad, I wasn’t completely disconsolate. After all, I still had one last thing to try - - my mother’s powder. Since I knew where she kept this powder that I thought might have the potential to change one of my physical attributes to fit a more Barbie-like image, I waited patiently to take matters into my own hands. Especially since my behavior was probably not up to God’s or Mrs. Kipp’s standards for miracle work.
One morning, I woke up earlier than usual and found that my older sister was not around. This wasn’t astonishing news. It was Saturday and she always had bowling practice or something on Saturday mornings. My father the ever-working mechanic was also not home, and Mami . . . was in the shower! My mother never took short showers. Instead of running into the living room to watch a whole extra hour or so of cartoons I decided to take a chance and finally experiment with the mysterious powder. I tip toed into my parents’ room and sat at my mother’s vanity table. She happened to have her powder out, along with an assortment of other cosmetics. However, it was not time for play. This was serious.
The sound of the shower had not stopped. I was safe. I held my breath as I pulled off the top of the container. The woman drawn on the cover was a Spanish dancer. The product name was Talisman. Though I didn’t know what that word meant in either Spanish or English, I did need luck. And I did want something to produce a magical effect. I picked up the puff and made sure it had enough powder by imitating the same set of movements I had seen my mother perform Sunday after Sunday. I closed my eyes and felt quite sure that this time something was bound to work in my favor. I patted my face and neck with the powder puff, opened my eyes and looked down at my arms. I decided to include them as well. Pat, pat, pat . . .a cloud of powder had enveloped me. I had gotten so involved in the act that I didn’t realize that the shower had stopped.
I looked in the mirror and was surprised at what I saw. My eyelashes were powdered and gave my eyes an odd bug out effect. My lips were the same powdery color and texture as the rest of my face. I was pale but I didn’t look natural. I looked like I was covered in flour! I looked past myself in the mirror and saw Mami standing in the doorway to the bathroom, wearing one of her many housedresses. I thought she was mad but then I realized that she was holding her hand to her mouth, stifling the laughter that was threatening to escape her.
“What are you doing,
mi niña?” she said. It was then that I knew that her powder wasn’t magical. To state the obvious would further deflate me. I put the puff down. The tears started rolling down my face. I looked in the mirror once more and saw the paths they were cutting through the powder on my face. Mami scooped me up and sat me down on her lap on her bed. She wiped my tears away with a tissue.
“
Traviesa,” she said as she hugged me. That was true. I was mischievous. I snuggled into her and inhaled her soapy clean smell. As she held me, she told me that I was too little to realize that I couldn’t become whiter though I could get darker in the sun and that I’d understand why things were the way they were when I was older.
It is almost twenty years later and I am older. I have a general understanding of the complexities of my genetic traits and proudly accept my non Barbie-ness. What is more difficult for me to easily embrace is adulthood. Remembering being little seems somewhat easier and I hadn’t really done that until recently. This is due mainly to Rachelle Ann. She is what I call my niece-to-be, just as Atilla-The-Mom, her mother, is my sister-in-law-to-be. Unfriendly just shakes his head at me. He has thoroughly accepted that the woman he is going to marry is thoroughly odd and he likes that just fine, thank you very much.*
Rachelle just had her fifth birthday this past August. Over the summer, Barbie displays had actually caught my eye because of her. The thought of Barbie as a role model for the young girls of America had also not crossed my mind until this summer. How bad was it for me to want to look like Barbie? At five I didn’t see that as denying my Hispanic roots. How bad was it for Rachelle to only wear pink clothing, a tiara and Barbie slippers? Was buying her a Barbie lunchbox for her birthday part of a ploy to brainwash kindergarten girls and perpetuate an unrealistic standard of female beauty? My ideas during a simple trip to Wal-Mart were quickly becoming the introductory paragraph to some women’s studies essay. I turned to Unfriendly and asked him if he thought his sister had bought the kids school supplies for the coming year. Since he wasn’t sure I decided to wait on the Barbie lunchbox idea.
One weekend morning Rachelle and her family appeared at
Unfriendly's parent’s house right after we woke up. He and I were in the kitchen, getting some sort of breakfast together. Rachelle was standing on the other side of the counter looking at me with her big brown eyes. Her blonde ringlets spilled over her shoulders and framed the pink hearts on her tee shirt nicely. She was missing her tiara today, but I didn’t say anything about that. After a couple of minutes of staring at me she asked,
“Are you my Aunt Glitzy?”
I couldn’t help but smile to myself. I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I’m sure I looked a lot different. I decided to confirm her suspicions by chasing her down the hall and tickling her, a favorite game of ours.
Her question did cause me to think about those physical attributes that I wanted to change when I was five. If I fed her love of Barbie paraphernalia, would she eventually come to see Barbie as her personal savior like the waitress in Barbara Kingsolver’s,
Pig’s in Heaven and only buy clothes that matched the latest Barbie fashions? Would she not go to that extreme and, instead, edit the next version of
Mondo Barbie or maybe write for it? Would she come to feel odd about the fact that her Auntie G was the antithesis of Barbie? I voiced my concerns to Unfriendly.
“Maybe what will happen is that she’ll outgrow Barbie dolls, just like you did and turn out just fine,” he said to me while trying not to smirk to himself.
I bought her the lunchbox that afternoon.
*This was written in 1998 long before we decided to be 'Marriage Free'Labels: About Glitzy, Ethnicity, Nostalgic Glitzy